Tag: Love

It’s Been an Ugly Minute

Y’all. I don’t like to speak ill of folks. I truly don’t.

I want people to have their own experiences with people, also – though things have not been right in these past couple of chapters…. I am NEVER just a victim. I made choices. I kept myself in chapters that were never meant to be part of my story. Hell, I am kind of doubting it exists… that elusive “happily ever after” chapter.

As a woman of a certain age, I always find it interesting the things that we don’t talk about. In a previous stage of life, I was shocked that no one talked about infertility and PCOS and other types of things. No one talks about a parent that struggled with alcoholism & mental & physical health issues. And when it comes to relationships – damn… women play their cards close to the chest!

I’m not gonna name any names, because if you know, you know. I am impulsive. I love with my whole damn heart and every fiber of my being. Perhaps my fatal flaw. Have I been totally fucked over the past few years – absolutely. Do I still hold out hope to find my person eventually… ugh – probably (dumb ass).

I’m about to get real, real here… if you don’t want to know – thanks for visiting & move on. It isn’t pretty….

Let’s start with my most recent closed chapter. CLOSED. FIN. DONE.

I haven’t heard it said “out loud” that there is a certain level of shame, when you are in a relationship where you are physically (and obviously emotionally) assaulted. Part of me wanted to hide it, protect it… who knows how long it would have gone on. The last couple of times, I made sure to tell my closest friends and family, to ensure they held me accountable for making it right. I still don’t understand what I was protecting, and what I was trying to hold on to. It’s frankly embarrassing – I am supposed to be stronger and better than that.

The first time he put his hands on me, scared the crap out of me. Left physical marks. We weren’t even living together at the time, and I have NO idea what compelled me to try to make it work. My innate nature to please people? The need or want to be part of something that was “supposed” to be wonderful…. I don’t fucking know. It is a lot easier to judge myself now.

This guy put hands on me a few times. He is about a foot taller than me. Way stronger than me. Usually there was alcohol involved. And I am not denying that I would have been drinking too – but funny thing is…. I have NEVER put hands on anyone when drinking or not. That isn’t my style. Never has been. Never will be. The last time it was physical – I was in fear for my life. I told my friends as it was happening. The cops were called for a welfare check…. My dumb ass said “everything was fine”.

The emotional stress was daily. I never knew what version I was going to get. The good was great. The bad broke me. I supported “our life” financially 98% of the time. I did all the cooking. All the cleaning. All the driving (he had no license). It was up to me to always work. Always pay. Always take care of him. He spent my birthday in jail for drunk in public, and I spent it alone.

Here is the deal…. I don’t have kids with this guy. Fuck – my kids were WAY smarter than me & didn’t even get to know him. We weren’t married – and weirdly ….. I never saw it going that far. So why the FUCK would I stay? Why was my shame enough to make me feel like I needed to make things right?!? What is that????

I will NEVER judge a woman who stays in a situation like this. Because WTF?!?

Sadly… this wasn’t my first rodeo. The one before… the one I chose to marry on a whim – because I refuse to give up on the thought of being impulsive and in love. He also got physical with me a few times. Threw me into walls. Had me hiding in the closet crying. Made me feel like “not enough”… ever.

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His blow ups were less often…. but way worse. He had/has a lot of childhood trauma, that he clearly has never actually dealt with. I gave him a lot of space to be himself. It never was enough. Cooked vegetarian for him, when he wasn’t off to work. Missed time with my family, because he was sooo much. His anxiety was such that he would drive me 2 hours out of town for one of my kids events & then NOT go inside with me. It was WEIRD. Yet I stayed.

I didn’t really tell anyone, though folks knew he was “off”. No one knew that he had freaked out on me and pushed me around. No one knew that he had us almost kicked out of our “honeymoon” stay – because he freaked the fuck out and was screaming. No one knows how much I cried. One of his freak-outs almost got me evicted, but I chose divorce instead.

At what point in my fucking life, did I decide to be a woman who deserves that?!? A woman who would accept it. Why did all feel so shameful?

I have never claimed to have a perfect life. But I had my kids (they are pretty freaking AWESOME). I had my job. At what fucking point did I decide that I craved companionship enough to give up my peace and my own sense of self? And why did I let it go on for two horrible chapters in my life?

I have always used this platform to be brutally honest. Even if it doesn’t put me in the best light. Because guess what…. I am not perfect. Never will be. But I am trying to keep the courage to talk about these things. People don’t share these things. I get it. But maybe if I do… someone else will find the strength to reach out, to walk away, to ask for help.

I can’t go back in time and fix what I missed and what I may have messed up during these times. I can only promise that my eyes are wide open & it will not happen again (or my besties will kill me themselves).

Currently… I am happy. I am at peace (unless I am dealing with my latest problem & finishing moving). I have the BEST house mate/landlady. She and I can sit and chat and so far…. it is so good to share this safe space with her & her pup. I am so happy to be HOME.

Life goes on. It may run you over a few times… but you just have to pick yourself up and start again. I am in my peaceful era. I don’t want any drama. I am not chasing any unicorns…. I am just going to focus on being me & having fun – and spending time with people that matter.

Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me through those last few years. Your friendship has been invaluable. I hope I never have to return the favor, but you freaking know I would! I am thankful to my cousins, who freaked out when they couldn’t reach me & took action. I am thankful to friends who have done their best to support me, when I didn’t want to hear it. I am SUPER thankful to one of my favorite humans for helping me move out of hell….. and to my family who may have been disappointed, but I am hoping they see my light again and know I am back to me.

Sorry this is so long and brutal. I felt like I needed to say it for me, and for anyone else who has been going through it.

I am back. Better and stronger than ever.

Love y’all.

Need A Good Huddle

Yesterday, I got the heartbreaking news that one of my true soul-sisters was gone. I loved Amy Lee, with my whole stupid heart…. And I knew she was battling for each day – but still thought that I would have time to go see her & make sure she knew I was always in her corner.

I was laying in bed this morning, scrolling through social media, and I read the most honest and touching tribute from her actual sister. She hit on the broad strokes of who Amy was – the things that we all loved about Amy. It made me realize how much of my approach on parenting was inspired by her.

We met a long time ago, not too long after we moved to Hollister. She was the PTO president at Ladd Lane, where my nephew began attending. She recruited my sister to help & she brought me into the fold. After Amy, my sister ran it…. Then I had the pleasure of taking the reins…. If you know me, you know how much that period of time meant to me. That incredible school & organization brought so many amazing people into my circle & I have Amy to thank for that.

Amy also got us into Relay For Life! That same PTO had a team one year, and I have been involved ever since! I can remember the first or second year of us doing it, and Amy had managed to stay up all night walking…. She was tired near the end of the event and we realized she was just two laps away from some astronomical amount of miles…. And we pushed her and pushed her to finish. I don’t remember exactly how many miles it was… but dang I was proud of her!

Together we morphed from a participating RFL team, to volunteer staff… even spent a lot of Amy’s birthdays out there together! At one point, I even worked for the American Cancer Society for a bit! Continuing the fight against cancer, all because this lady introduced it to us. The irony is not lost on me that she battled cancer… I always Relay in honor of my Grandma, but the truth is, I would have never started without Amy Lee.

When I say she was more like a sister, I truly mean it. There weren’t many folks I trusted to watch my boys when they were babies… she was one of the few. They were her “monkas”, and they loved her so much!

Amy’s friendship was there through the arrival of my children, my divorce a few years later, weird relationships, small town drama, lots of volunteer work, a lot of laughs, arguing in bars, concerts, dancing at the Saddlerack, backyard BBQs… so much more.

Amy was one I could call, no matter what. Amy & Rosie were always excited when in asked them to watch my boys. I could call and say, I want to go grab a drink, and she would meet me. I remember one time it was just her & I at the 19th Hole…. This poor guy was sitting near us, and got roped into our conversation. We harassed him for being a Raiders fan, and even stole the sticker off his phone. He was hoping to leave with a phone number, I am sure… but he just left with some laughs & less an ugly sticker.

Amy survived so much. And she was absolutely the sweetest soul. She would do anything to help, no questions asked. And carried the weight of the world, not often showing any cracks. But I sure loved her…. Cracks & all.

She was one of my absolute rocks, and I have so many regrets that I didn’t get out of my own way and go see her since she moved – but I thought I’d have time.

I’m not really a New Years Resolution kind of girl. But this year I am focused on goals. One of the goals is to really connect with at least one person each month, that I have been missing. Try to visit in person, at the very least a phone call. Amy was at the top of my list, because I knew she was fighting for her life, I just didn’t realize how hard.

This morning I had a quiet, peaceful drive to King City, for Nate’s Rodeo (which she would have freaking loved to watch). The first time I have been alone to really reflect on the light we lost.

I looked up and saw this ray of light breaking through the clouds. I knew at that moment that she was there with me… always.

You bet I cried. Like a damn baby…. And girls, I could use a huddle. ❤️‍🩹