WTF

Why is this still an issue? A topic of discussion? Why do politicians think that they should be allowed to make laws with regards to choices that affect my health – whether it is physical or psychological…. If it’s my body, WHY THE FUCK isn’t it my choice?

Based on the way several states are ruling, I would be a criminal. Because I chose to have a medical procedure, that saved my life & likely the lives of my boys – I could have been criminally prosecuted.

Regardless of your “beliefs” – religious or otherwise…. Why can’t you agree that it is an individual’s right to choose? Why should your morals affect my life?!?

Look. I’ve been through the ringer. I’m not “pro-abortion”…. But I also know that not all pregnancies are created equal. I KNOW this. I have lived this.

I wanted nothing more, than to be a mother. There was no accidental pregnancies in my life. There wasn’t an easy path to a planned one. I didn’t get to take a home test and do a cute little surprise to my husband. I got a defective reproductive system, a ton of heartbreak, medical intervention & finally two ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING KIDS!

Funny how “the government” won’t move to cover something like infertility as a mandated thing with insurance (I mean, a woman’s body is supposed to be able to reproduce, why is it not a medically covered issue to “fix”?!?) but then they want to make laws that prohibit the medical termination to a pregnancy for whatever the reason…. I don’t have a right to get pregnant, but then I don’t have a right to end it either?!?

I am one of the lucky ones. Might be hard to believe, based on what you have read so far…. But I am truly thankful. I didn’t even have to go as far as IVF to get my boys. I am not minimizing what I went through, but compared to what others experience, I am lucky.

When we found out I was pregnant, we were shocked to learn that I had 5 little miracles! But also 5?!?! Holy cow! Even the doctor was shocked…

I lost 1 little love in the 8th week. We were counseled on the risks of carrying quadruplets. There was less than a 20% chance that any of the babies would be born “developmentally normal”, and there was a high risk I could die during the whole process….. so yeah – exciting one minute, terrifying the next.

They talked to us about selective reduction. According to the cave-man style of thinking that seems to be on the rise… this would be a crime.

I won’t go into details about the procedure, you can look it up. But they asked us (me) to carry for a full trimester, so they could determine if there were any two that were stronger, more viable. Any two that appeared to be bigger, thriving. There was very little emotional comfort from these medical specialists – they knew i was making the best medical choice… they gave me all the stats. Just facts and procedures. Just the best medical care and outcome they can offer.

The heartbreak was all mine. I tried for so long to be a mom. I struggled with giving up two of my miracle babies in order for two others to have a really great chance at survival. That night I had some bleeding, and I panicked…. I just knew I was being punished by a higher power for making the choice I made…. My heart was BROKEN!

I had a happy ending, starting nearly 15 years ago…. I delivered 2 healthy boys (still 10 weeks early), but wow – I have been blessed!

Imagine if I had been sent to prison because of this heartbreaking choice I made. Does that sit well with you? Does that align with your beliefs?

What if it was a young woman who was raped and it resulted in pregnancy. Does your religious beliefs mean she needs to carry that baby, that horrific reminder of her trauma? And then – what if your state then said that your rapist has a right to visitation with their child…. Does that sit well with you? Would that help you sleep at night?!? Because that is what is happening!!!

I don’t judge folk for what they believe. I fully think that your beliefs & morals should be whatever sets your soul on fire. But please don’t let your beliefs infringe on anyone else’s rights… if you consider yourself “pro-life”…. Be for the lives that people chose to live.

Seriously though…. 🤣

You never have to agree with EVERYONE, but respect the choices they make & their right to do so.

If you think there isn’t a minute where those 3 little souls aren’t weighing heavy on my heart, you are wrong. Just like you are wrong to think that your beliefs trump the medical needs of others.

Be kind. Always…..

Still Here & Still Crazy

I need to do this more often… it is truly cathartic. Not only putting my random thoughts “on paper”, but sharing with y’all (and usually learning that I am not alone). I mean, I didn’t even realize that I did not post a single blog/rant in 2021… so weird.

Life is good right now. Insane, but good.

We are in year two of the “pandemic”, and we are doing pretty well – all things considered. Work continues to be flexible, but I am in the office most days. The boys have been able to stay in real school, which I am super grateful for. We got to enjoy a regular football season, an actual school dance, band performances… and hopefully we get to watch Nate play baseball soon!

I am happy. Like ridiculously happy with our perfectly-imperfect family. When you realize that you have found someone to love you in a way, that you didn’t really know you needed – that is pretty freaking amazing. Is it all romance and flowers? Hell no… it’s more muddy yards, family dinners, crazy adventures and daily laughs! Turns out, that is exactly what I need.

All in all, we are doing pretty amazing.

But you guys…. teenagers are A LOT. I mean…. A LOT!!!

It’s like – you should kind of know what to expect, because it wasn’t too terribly long ago, that we were that age… right?!? That is the furthest thing from the truth (not the part about it not being that long ago – but the part about knowing what to expect).

I mean…. 1996 wasn’t that terribly long ago, right?!?!

When I was in high school – I was kind of an all-around kid. Sometimes I came to school in boots and western jeans (hello Rockies!), and we would go line-dancing on the weekends. Other times it was dresses (with Doc Martins, duh). Other days it was surf/skate brand sweatshirts, jeans and flip flops. My friends were from all different aspects – we weren’t really labeled as any particular group of people…. just a loud and fun party crowd. I took advanced placement classes, choir, but then also had some easy classes to mostly socialize in… I got good grades, but was known to be a bit of a slacker. My closest friends back then are still my dearest friends now, and I am forever thankful to have them in my life.

Our typical Friday night line dancing crew…

Kids these days don’t seem to party like we did (thank you sweet baby Jesus)… but it definitely is not without challenges. My boys… they are like a perfect split of who I was in high school. They are so different from each other, but I can see me in each of them. I don’t know, maybe I am more crazy than I thought…

Let’s start with Nate. He clearly got his love of sports from me (just lucked out he got some other genes with actual skills, because that is NOT me). He is a proud, loud, (self-proclaimed) redneck. He loves Rodeo, hunting, fishing…. getting dirty. Don’t tell him this – but he is pretty hilarious most of the time – though often VERY inappropriate. I caution him often to be careful who he hangs around with, because while they like to have fun, their kind of loud and obnoxious fun can often be taken for causing trouble… and SOME of his friends seem to lack boundaries and common sense. I am thankful that school sports have cautioned him to be careful about his social media presence. He has his moments, where he is a total jerk (don’t talk to him after a game or rodeo – especially if he didn’t do what he felt was his best)! But there are glimmers of hope now & then – where he will thank me for showing up, or doing something for him. I don’t know if he does it on his own, or someone reminds him… but I will take it! He is a good student, could be great if he tried, but he is doing well and is enjoying school as much as the average teenage boy.

Then we have Kevin. My sarcastic, scary smart, artistic weirdo (said VERY affectionately – because I love weird). Kev is a whole vibe. He has his own style. He wears mostly black. He loves all things vintage… his favorite thing is to go to antique stores or bookstores. He has a vast collection of vinyl records (mostly from bands I have NEVER heard of, or classics – because he liked the cover & then realized it was good music). He also got a walkman for Christmas. You read that right…. a battery powered walkman, that plays cassette tapes. He is creative and messy. He comes across as quiet, but man – when he starts talking, you had better be ready! His sarcasm is unprecedented…. He is funny, if you understand his personality. He has a small circle of close friends. They don’t “hang out” much, but spend countless hours connected through their phones. He is doing extremely well in school. He is much smarter than I was, and seems to enjoy the challenge of learning. But, he is a procrastinator (sorry kid, that was a bad thing to inherit).

As you can tell, they don’t have a whole lot in common. But given the fact that they both have similar traits to me… you would think they would get a long a lot better than they actually do. But that is a big fat – NOPE. You would think by now they could sort it out and get along –NOPE. They only seem to tolerate each other most days, but sometimes, when we add another kid to the chaos, it seems to help balance them out a little.

Nate had his best bud stay the night recently. They (loudly) played video games. They giggled (uncontrollably) at really inappropriate things. They ate all the food in my house – and apparently threw cheese and lunch meat at each other (they picked it up… but had to explain what I was seeing in the garbage can). Kev occasionally told them what idiots they are, but it was a whole freaking night, without my kids constant bickering!!! We live out in the sticks, so there isn’t a whole lot of trouble these kids can get into without the use of a car…. But, these 3 fools did order McDonald’s from DoorDash in the middle of the night, while Clark & I were sleeping… I had to laugh at them, and admit I was kind of impressed that they knew the address and gave good enough directions to the driver – but I did warn them about basically inviting a stranger to the door in the middle of the night…. UGH

Where I struggle most, is making sure that they are safe & smart when it comes to social media. I can, at any time, go through their phone and accounts. I admit that I do not do this often enough. I don’t want to pry into their every message and photos… I just try to instill appropriate behaviors. I hope that they make good choices. We have had talks about connecting with people you don’t know, about not sharing any personal information – and about not posting anything (ever) that they would not want to explain to me, because it will all come out in the wash.

Right now we are working on reminding them to ask for permission… I get a lot of “Mom, after school, I’m going to go to the library/got get food with my friends/hang out at someone’s house”… It is never posed as a question, until I force them to ask. And, I’m sorry if folks think I am not hard enough on my kids – but I have a hard time saying no, once they finally ask properly. These fools spent a year+ on lock down, and I genuinely WANT them to go hang out and have fun! Even if it means I stay up late to pick up kids & drive them home. Or we have to run back to town more times that we would like… I want them to go out in the real world, and have real experiences, and I want them to know how to make the right decisions.

Y’all – raising teenagers is HARD. When the kids were cute and little – and everything could be solved with a hug and a snack…. there was a whole tribe of parents that seemed to support and encourage you along the way. While those folks are still there… everyone seems to be struggling on their own. We tend to not want to put things “out there” that don’t support the perfect online life.

I don’t know… maybe you are not as lost in this whole thing as I feel most days. I have been told over, and over again – “You are not hard enough on your boys!” But I really am doing my best. I try to not let the little things bug me. I try to listen and support. I go with the flow – until I lose my shit. Probably not the best parenting method out there, but it seems to be how I am wired.

I just want you all to know, that I am here for you. I have no idea what the hell I am doing… but I am here to lend an ear to if you need. I may not even have any good advice or the right words to say… but I can make you a snack, pour you a drink, and give you a hug & we can pretend it’s all going to be alright.

Always Be The Corn

Tis the season to be THANKFUL. Yep, it’s still 2020. And we still happen to be in the middle of a pandemic and historical, unprecedented times. And a lot of this year has been a total and complete dumpster fire…. but there still is a lot to be thankful for and every year this memory shows up on my social media & it brings me back to the really good stuff. A reminder that you don’t have to always follow the arbitrary “rules” we put on ourselves, especially if it makes you happy.

I originally posted about this a few years back (https://crazyasamotherblog.wordpress.com/2017/11/16/be-the-corn/?preview=true)… if you have known me for a while, you probably know this story – you can read all about it in the link above, but I’ll share the basics.

When the boys were in kindergarten, they were getting ready for the annual Ladd Lane Thanksgiving Parade. They were supposed to choose between a Pilgrim or and Indian – whatever they thought of most when they think of Thanksgiving. Nate chose a Pilgrim & Kevin chose CORN.

His (absolutely fantastic) teacher didn’t make him choose what he was “supposed” to be. She went home that night and found a way to allow him to be the corn he wanted to be. I know, cute right?!? It absolutely was, but it was more than that for us.

It was an “aha” moment. A holy-crap, not everything has to be perfect to be good, kind of thing. I mean why should he choose to be an Indian or Pilgrim, if his heart said to be corn? Just because every other student had always done so? Nope, not for my Kevin.

I think this year, this message is more important than ever. In 2020, I have seen people judging other people’s choices. You wear a mask? You don’t? You stay home all the time? You socialize with your closest tribe outside of the home? It has been a bi-polar year, where Sensitive Sally and Cranky Karen are all up in everyone’s business.

Here’s the deal… everyone needs to do what they need to do to be happy. You want to eat cake for breakfast, go for it. You need a drink before noon to settle your nerves or celebrate something good – bottoms up. You want to put up Christmas decorations in October – hell yes! You do you. As long as your choices don’t put others in danger, it’s cool. You do you. Be the Corn.

You don’t have to agree with other peoples choices. You can respectfully distance yourself if you don’t agree. We all need different things to get through, especially in what is set to be the weirdest holiday season of our lives.

I hope you are celebrating Thanksgiving in whatever way you feel best.

I can’t end this without saying that I am grateful for so much this year. I’m thankful for my teenage turkeys, though they drive me crazy. I’m thankful for my home & my job. I’m thankful for my amazing man & his awesome son (and the whole family). I am thankful for friendships, new & old. I’m thankful for our perfectly imperfect life.

I’m also weirdly thankful that this year, being home with my boys for school & work that I have been able to let go of some of my “rules” about how our days should be. Wanna stay in your jammies all day for school, that’s cool buddy. Mozzarella sticks for breakfast? Sure. You wanna go fish in the ponds on the golf course (and put them back) – go for it! Sorry, I didn’t meal prep or shop for lunches babe – is PB&J okay?!? Seriously, last year I would have been stressing the flip out over any of these things. Do what ya gotta do, to get through your day/week/year.

I’m thankful for each and every one of you for reading this. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

holding my breath

I am not an anxious person by nature. I try to go with the flow and not stress about things that I cannot change. However this week, this month, most of this year has me in a nearly constant state of panic.

Today is Election Day 2020. Hopefully all of you who can vote have done so (or are planning to do so today). I know it might feel like it doesn’t matter, but it really does. If I had to guess, we will be seeing the opportunity to review the actual numbers of this election in more detail than ever before. The political unrest of this year is something our grandkids will read about in history. The culmination of this hate fueled campaign season is coming to a close, and someone is going to win and someone is going to lose. And no matter which way it goes, I am terrified at how this country will react. Let’s face it, y’all…. this country has gone bat-shit-crazy (and not in a good way at all).

I think being the mom of teenage boys (who have VERY opposing views) has heightened my anxiety about this election. Let’s face it – you cannot believe most of what you read/see/hear on the news & especially not social media. As a mom, I FULLY encourage my kids to believe in what they believe in – they do not need to follow my beliefs, they do not need to agree with me or with each other – my job is a lot harder than that. I try to teach them to not believe everything on the surface. To really research the things that they “learn” to build their opinion on… most importantly, I have to teach them to be respectful of people who do not agree with their feelings – and learn to discuss in a productive and informative way. You should know this is hard, because we all can name off a whole slew of adults who are not capable of this.

Part of me is really happy to see that the American people are so passionate about their beliefs, because damn it – we should be! But then you try to get to the heart of why people are so adamant about one thing or another, and in this age of instant gratification and biased news sources, we have largely become a society of angry people that are hanging on to opinions that have been pushed on them without any true and logical reasoning. And man…. it sucks!

Generations before us were raised to not talk about politics, religion or sexual orientation… because it causes discomfort and conflict. What they should have been taught (and subsequently, WE should have been taught), was how to have a discussion with someone you do not agree with, in a way that is not argumentative and hateful… but to be informed, know how to listen, and how to share your own views clearly and respectfully. (Read that last part again, let it sink in)….

What example are you setting for your kids? Are you bashing all the supporters of the opposing candidate? Are you constantly talking about how awful that “other” candidate is? Or are you providing your kids an environment where they can form their own (informed) beliefs and express them in a healthy way?

I absofreakinglutely LOVE that my kids are interested in politics. I love that we can talk about the issues, and both sides of situations. It doesn’t always go well, but I try to never squash the conversation. In no way do I want my kids to be raised in a one-size-fits-all world. As twins, they have as much right to be on opposing sides of any situation (and they take full advantage of that daily).

It really is what I love about being American. We are given the freedom to use our voices and propagate change. The outcome of this election will be what it is. All we can do is hope that all of these passionate Americans cast their votes to make their choices known (it always baffles me how many people complain about the outcome, but don’t do their part)… The American people on one side or the other are going to feel despair, maybe even devastation & grief. If you are on the side that wins – celebrate, but don’t gloat and taunt those who are feeling the loss. The true American thing to do is to come together & get through it as a country… this hate and division has to stop.

My seriously cool new shoes that I found in the kids section….

We all need a little humanity. Before you continue to add flames to the fires of hate and division, imagine yourself in the opposing sides’ shoes. How would you feel? How would you want to be treated?

Y’all 2020 has been a total train wreck. Even our little hometown has become so cantankerous. Arguing about EVERYTHING from politics, to mask wearing – judging other people at every turn. It is heartbreaking! One of the things I have always loved about where we live, is that when push comes to shove, this community has always come together…. I am sad to say that I do not have high hopes this week (and will likely hide out with the family until the dust settles a bit).

I seriously hope I am wrong. Please, please – prove me wrong.

It ABSOLUTELY does not matter who I voted for, and who you voted for. It matters that we both have a right to vote in a way that sits well with our soul. Family, friends, neighbors and strangers…. I respect you as a human & hope the absolute best for you and your families. It costs me NOTHING to be considerate of your feelings, & wishing for your happiness does not detract from my own.

Here is my ask of all my fellow Americans, parents, citizens of the world…. Be strong. Be humble. Be compassionate. And please be kind. Never stop believing in what you feel is right, keep moving towards the change you want to see (in a respectful way). And as we are coming up on the end of a year we will NEVER soon forget, please keep in mind that everyone is struggling (even if you can’t see it on the surface) – and sharing a little love & kindness could be the lifeline they need to get through.

#DoYourPart #Vote2020 #StopTheHate #WelcomeToTheShitShow #CrazyAsAMother #BeKind #RaiseThemRad #IWillBeHidingInMyBlanketFort #HappyHourEveryHour #WakeMeWhenItsOver

No Clue

Well. We did it. We somehow managed to start another school year in this #ShitShow we call 2020.

I’ve been pretty quiet (for me) during this whole pandemic. Because I honestly can’t even handle my own emotional roller coaster most days… Y’all 2020 has me at a loss for words, and I am not even sure what to do about it!

Looking back at my posts this year… March 8th, the day after my birthday. I thought… “this is it! This will be a year to remember!”… and for sure it is, but not for the kick-ass reasons I had in mind. So yeah, then I posted about the historical pandemic that we are all getting the chance to take part in – but this was still early March, where it was all about scoring rolls of toilet paper, like our lives depended on it – and let’s face it, it felt unreal… Then a mom’s day post in May (where I didn’t even bring up the weirdness of 2020). A whole lot happened (and a whole lot didn’t), and I seriously CANNOT EVEN DEAL! And yet somehow, we have kept moving forward and survived.

The end of the last school year, I just kind of gave up. Didn’t make the kids stick to schedules. Didn’t make them do much of anything… I was just trying to find a new balance in my life with working from home full time and attempting to not panic and freak out at what was happening in the world. Not gonna lie, I am still a little freaked out. And there is little that resembles balance. Am I working out everyday? No. Is my laundry all cleaned and folded? No. Meals prepped and ready, to avoid going to the store everyday? Also no.

Then we just sort of rolled into summer vacation, without much excitement or things to look forward to. Baseball cancelled. No hanging out with friends at the beach. No trips to the Boardwalk or bowling. ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH, NADA. So yeah…. I pulled out M.O.T.Y. (Mom Of The Year) lifetime membership card, and let my kids do WHATEVER to not fight and not bug me. You want to stay awake until 3 am and sleep until 2pm?!? Fine, just don’t eat junk food all night (and don’t bother me while I am working). You want to play video games all day – whatevs. How many days did you wear those clothes?!? Please shower….

Dudes – I am used to every minute of every week and weekend booked with activities and sports. I am used to being on the run with these guys… and as chaotic as that seems to the outside world, I sincerely miss it. I miss all the people we normally interact with. I miss the shuffle of kids from one place to the next, with my tiny car packed to the max in gear and food and STUFF. But, part of me kind of enjoyed the slow down. Part of me liked letting the kids do whatever. I thought we would do more TOGETHER, with all this time at home, but let’s face it… I’m mom & they are teenage boys (so yeah, not happening). I am both happier than I have been in a long while, and also freaked out, because I have NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!!! I mean, I know I need to get my life together, but I am also kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

So anyhow… back to my point here. Today was the first day of 8th grade for my kiddos. Was kind of hoping that it would feel like a fresh start, a new routine, something BIG…. but it is just kind of more of the same. Well, relatively more of the same – it IS 2020, after-all! You know, when we are expected to work from home, school from home & California is in the middle of a heat wave, having rolling blackouts & burning down with wildfires from freak lightning…. But anyways, here was my simple mental checklist for getting ready for back to school:

1. Get back to a “normal” schedule. All electronics to me by 10 pm. Up at a decent time to start the day!

Meh. Most nights I cannot stay awake long enough to collect phones at 10. And, if I saw them awake when their dad dropped them off in the morning, that counts for being up, right?!? Anyways, I have a million meetings to call into, so you just do you! And just so you know, some of y’alls kids are messaging mine at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning…

2. Eat more than one healthy meal a day.

Nope. I can only account for dinner. I pick the battles I can win. You want frozen taquitos for breakfast, have them. You want leftovers from last night? Sure! Top Ramen – just clean up your mess. Do you want me to buy you something specific for breakfasts? Lunches? Nope… I GIVE UP!

3. Buy back to school stuff.

Nah. What do you need new clothes for? Chances are that you will be taking your zoom calls in your underwear. Shoes? You aren’t going anywhere kid. Do you want haircuts? Nope – one is trying to grow a mullet and the other has a love/hate relationship with his curls. Backpack? Nope. You don’t need to carry your stuff very far. But I did buy paper, pencils, pens & erasers. Oh, and I bought noise cancelling headphones, but they don’t have a microphone, so there you go. For the most part, trying to prepare for school at home has saved us money. Although, any saved money is going to suppliment our food (and adult beverage) budget.

As you can see, I am KILLING this whole parenting thing right now. 3 simple things, none of which was really achieved…. But here is the super scary thing – I am not even stressed about it any more! I have always been known as a planner – maybe even a little bit of a control freak… but now with so many bigger things to worry about – It is what it is, and 2020 is going to do whatever the fuck it wants anyways, so now is the time in life to learn to go with the flow!

So weird, right?!?

The first day of school was not without challenges…

9:15 AM – they log into first period, no real issues. Parents group on Facebook is all a flutter, looking for classroom codes for online classes.

10:00 AM – Power goes off… oops! Drop out of that class and work is paused.

10:15 PM – Power comes back on, boys log into next class, I try to figure out what the hell I was working on….

12:23 PM Power off again. Ugh.

12:30 PM Power back on, have a few minutes left in class. Seriously… what the hell am I supposed to be doing?!?

12:44 PM – Power is off again. I give up…

1:08 PM still no power, just a few minutes before the last class of the day… should we go to Grandma’s and use the WiFi? Nah, we will just email teachers about the power outage.

1:13 PM power is back on. Yes! One minute to log into the last class… I still have no idea what I am doing.

1:59 PM classes done. I piss everyone off by making them clean up their school crap from the table. We have been awake and in the same space for too long today, and it’s beginning to show…

All of this to say… it’s okay to not be okay. Did we have a great first day back?!? Nope! Were the kids happy to see their friends, only online?!? Not at all! Were my kids easy to work with & in a good mood?!! Bhahahahaha Will we try again tomorrow & hope for a better day?!? Absofreakinlutley!!! Heck… I threatened to suspend these assholes today, for talking back, throwing erasers at each other, and wrappers in the ground! And by suspend, I mean take away their free time!

Oh… and to keep my position of M.O.T.Y. going strong…. one kid has the backdrop in his Zoom focused on my (hard earned) collection of whisky bottles & the other kid was shoveling gummy bears like he hadn’t eaten in a week… so there’s that going for me….

It’s okay to not have a solid plan right now. It’s okay to just see where this path is leading. Don’t miss out on the good things because you are worried about things that you cannot possibly fix.

No one knows what they are doing this year, and anyone who pretends otherwise is shady! What I have been trying to do to survive is to enjoy the good stuff…. like Booze Baskets (if you know, then you know). Or adventures with my new guy. Or just the laughter…. oh my gosh, I have laughed more during this pandemic than I have in YEARS! Connecting with those that matter, is really all that matters… the rest is what it is.

You do you. Keep those kids on task during school hours and then WHAT THE FUCK EVER you need to do to get through. No judgment here…. we are all just living our best lives right now, given the state of the world.

#FrickAndFrack #CrazyAsAMother #RaiseThemRad #EighthGrade #DistanceLearning #BecauseTheRona

Happy Mom’s Day

It’s always such a bittersweet day for me. I love being a mom (sure, not every minute of every day is a dream – but my kids are my world).

My kiddos & I

I come from a long line of strong women. Moms who haven’t ever been perfect, but who have done the best that they could. They raised us to put our family first. They taught that food is a love language (even the meals that don’t turn out the way you plan). From these women, I learned the values that made me who I am as a mother.

I am a product of my raising, and these ladies knocked it out of the park.

Obviously a pretty old picture, but it’s a good one – Grandma Millie, Great Grandma Viola, Mom & my sis (and Trevor of course).

I miss my Grandma like crazy. And of course I miss Great Grandma – Mother’s Day 2007 was the last holiday we got with that angel. I was VERY pregnant & she knew those boys were ready for the world (way too early).

I miss the big family holidays. I miss going to Uncle Bob’s & Aunt Cheryl’s for BBQ chicken & all the fixins. I miss baseball in the hayfield. I miss the hour long goodbye process of hugs & kisses. I miss it all.

My mom is such a hard worker. She is a people pleaser (worse than me). I don’t have a ton of pictures of her, because she avoids the camera… but I love her so much. She has a heart of pure gold. She takes care of my Pops, even though he is VERY difficult to deal with – and they have been divorced FOREVER. I don’t know how she does it, because I cannot EVEN DEAL….

Yep, Kev finally passed her up!

I also have friends who are incredible mothers. We face a lot of the same challenges, but we don’t always parent the same. But the beauty of a mom tribe – is the chance to share, help, lift each other up – and not judge. Mother’s Day is so hard though…. it’s a day of unrealized expectations of celebration & lavish gifts… there are some that have great days, some that have crap days.

Photo bomber Grandma…

Mother’s Day can be hard for those that lost their moms, never had a mom close to their heart, or those who want to be a mom, but haven’t been able to…. the loss of a child, or the inability to get pregnant is a heartbreak that cannot be described.

Hopefully y’all had a good Mother’s Day, in whatever form. Quarantine definitely changed things… so 2020 was a bust no matter what. I happened to have a great day. Lunch with amazing friends & dinner with the family. No big plans, no need for gifts or cards… but I did break the rules a little and spent time with those I love to spend time with!

Happy Mother’s Day y’all!!!

#CrazyAsAMother #Quarantine2020 #MothersDay

Peachy Freakin Keen

Y’all…. what the hell is going on?!? No seriously. What is wrong with people? There are two major things going on right now, and yes – I have been sharing some of the memes that make me laugh, and I make light of some of the issues – but I am legit scared, worried for those who don’t have a tribe, and perplexed at what is going through people’s minds and hearts right now.

So yeah. There is a nasty, fast spreading virus (Corona-19). It is carried from person to person, can be prevented through good hygiene, minimizing contact/large gatherings, and is of course a bigger risk for those who are immunocompromised. It’s a big deal.

I feel like it is important to document this craziness, because if you are near my age – we have lived through a lot of scary outbreaks. Every couple of years, there is some nasty virus that always puts folks on edge – but I have NEVER EVER seen this sort of panic.

First of all…. why do y’all need to be told to wash your hands? And how to wash your hands? If that was an issue for you – you need to take this life lesson and keep up the practice. Please. And ew.

Schools are closed (all over). Sports are suspended or maybe cancelled. Businesses are being asked to shut down. Restaurants asked to cap capacity and encourage “take out” options. Folks of a certain age have been asked to self quarantine. My office has encouraged us to work remote (and I am so freaking thankful to work for a place that not only allows that, but cares for the well being of each of us and our families). I get it. I appreciate it. Flatten the curve, slow the transmission. The term “social distancing” is thrown around. All of it done with the intention of really allowing our infrastructure to treat and get us out of this pandemic. While I make light of needing the bars open, since my kids aren’t in school (and I am only sort of kidding about that) – I do understand that this illness is a reason to be concerned and careful with the health and wellness of those around us.

Here is where y’all have lost me (aside from the fact that hand-washing is new)…..WHY ARE YOU GUYS HOARDING EVERYTHING FROM THE STORE?!?!?!?

First of all – toilet paper? Why? It isn’t a stomach virus. Why??? Seriously, I am dying for someone to explain it to me. I have been to every store in Hollister, multiple times, and I cannot buy a pack of toilet paper ANYWHERE. Can’t even order it from Amazon. What in the HELL is going on?

And then the water. And then the Lysol. And then the bleach. And now – pretty much everything. It’s fucking ridiculous and very, very scary. We literally got up and went to the stores at 6am this morning and not only was there a line, but there was slim pickings on the shelf. Y’all, I wasn’t looking to stockpile for the world end – I am trying to feed my family for the week (and HELLO – I now have tweens at home ALL flipping day).

I was talking to my kids about what is going on, feeling them out to see if they had any questions or concerns (you know that thing that parents do, where we pretend like we know what we are talking about)… well, actually… my conversation started with this:

Exhibit A

For some reason (maybe before all the wide-spread panic) set in… one of my lovely children threw this roll of toilet paper away. Are you kidding me? Anyways, I guess the back story there was that Kev threw the roll at Nate in the shower one day… and well, I wish I wasn’t scared to run out of the stuff, because that is the kind of shenanigans that should be taking place with toilet paper. Its funny, until it’s not.

Anyhow… they aren’t super concerned. Nate is bummed about baseball. We are concerned with Cooperstown in August. Kev is worried that the teachers will be putting together packets to be worked on while they are not in class (please, please, please)…. Here is what stuck with me – Nate had gone to the store with his dad, and saw people with their carts piled high – the person in front of them buying over $1,000 worth of groceries. He was sort of disgusted with her, and felt she was super selfish. Part of me was like – hell yeah, that is ridiculous! But the other side, the one that wants to believe that I am raising my kids in a world where there are good, kind people…. tried to explain it in a way that was a little lighter – maybe she was buying for loved ones that couldn’t come and get their own? He wasn’t buying that line of crap, but I had to put it out there. I hope that at least some of these folks are doing some good.

Since I have already ranted for this long, let me end with some good stuff too… We live in a gated community, where there are several residents that are at the high risk age group. Several friends and neighbors come together to put out a flyer that offers help to those who cannot (go get groceries, whatever) – giving a name and phone number of each amazing person who is willing to help. So awesome to see the good that is out there! The boys and I helped hand out flyers and other neighbors (kids and adults alike) got out there on a rainy afternoon and help spread the word. What an amazing thing for those who don’t have a tribe nearby, to know that there are neighbors who care.

I know… they aren’t wearing helmets, but we were just slowly cruising down the street. And, let’s not forget I am M.O.T.Y….

So please friends near and far…. take care of yourself. Take care of others. Be cautious but not fearful. Be supportive. Breathe. Have fun (seriously – if you aren’t hanging out with people that make you laugh and smile, find new people). Call or come talk to me. No agenda. No filters… we can talk about how fucking scary the world is and find a way to laugh until we aren’t scared anymore. I’ve got your back (even if it is from a “social distancing” situation).

Have a drink (or a few). Do some cartwheels in the yard. Eat good food. Meditate. Exercise. Don’t be an asshole. Be a good neighbor. We will get through this… some way, some how – and hopefully what comes out on the other side of it is a better place to raise my sons.

#CrazyAsAMother #YallAreNuts #PleaseStopThePanicBuying #WashYourHands #MakeKindnessViral

FortyFreakinTwo

Yesterday I turned 42 years old. That’s 504 months. Or 2,184 weeks. Or 15,340 days. Or 368,164 hours. Or 22,089,848 minutes. Or 1,325,390,891 seconds. My point being, it is a lot of time developing into the person that I am today. And I still have so much more growing to do.

As women, we are taught to fear getting older…. But I love it so much! Every year I become more real with myself. More comfortable with just being me. Most of the time that means I am a #HotMessMom – but at least I own it. Yes, I am double the legal drinking age (and I may have drank enough last night for two), but we laughed and danced and had fun ringing in my new year.

I don’t try to paint my life on social media as if it is perfect. I share (maybe sometimes overshare) the ups and downs of my world, especially when it comes to being a mom of twin tweens. Half the time I have no fucking clue what I am doing. I’ve grown to accept that as my parenting style.

I’m working on my physical health…. I actually worked out all week last week! It’s a small miracle (and some days were harder than others for MANY reasons). I don’t have a goal weight in mind. My goal is to just be healthier & hopefully look better naked. #MomLiftKitHereICome

I love my job. I SERIOUSLY do. I work with the absolute best people. We work in a gorgeous place. We have an amazing future in front of us. I’m very fortunate and thankful.

At this age, I realize that real, true friends are rare and treasured. I love my tribe so freakin much. I don’t care if we shared time together last week, or 20 years ago – if you are my people, I LOVE you.

I am sensitive. I am very kind hearted. While that means I feel all the feelings, it makes me who I am, and I wouldn’t change it. If you are one of my people, I will go out of my way just to try and make your day better. Let people know when you need a pick me up. Let your tribe help you through. Let them know when you are feeling dark & twisty… let them know when you are not okay. It’s okay to not be okay.

I love to have fun. I love to laugh. I love to let loose. I love to sing & dance. I love to hop in the car and head for an adventure (and yeah, it’s better to do with someone right next to you). I like to drink – I enjoy a good glass of wine or a great glass of whiskey. A good hug from one of my people is all that is needed to turn any day into a better day.

I recently went through a pretty big, unexpected life change. It wasn’t what I had planned at this point in my life, but sometimes it works out in the end. Here is the biggest thing I learned from this change – at my age I know exactly WHO I am, but I really suck at letting people know what I need (and well, that doesn’t work so well in a relationship). There is a big difference between feeling content and feeling happy. So yeah…. I’m still learning.

I’ll close with this…. remember that it is nice to be told that you are appreciated, you are loved, and you are beautiful; for no other reason than just to make you smile. Share kindness people – it’s infectious.

Cheers to 42 years my friends…. and wash your hands!

#GettingOlder #LoveYourTribe #CrazyAsAMother #ChaosIsMyFavorite #HaveFun #LivinLife #TweenTwins #MomLife

Deep breath, Reset

Deep breath & reset…. if you have been around me at a baseball game – you have heard me say this. If you worked with me during the stress of the acquisition at work last year, you heard me say it. Take a deep breath, reset your mindset and move forward. And now I need to take my own advice.

This week marks 7 years since I met Jerritt and we became us. Unfortunately I am not going to be sharing the usual anniversary post this year. With a very heavy heart, I am letting you all know that Jerritt and I have decided to separate. I am putting this out there, because rather than letting rumors or speculation run like wildfire, we just want people to know. This is a hard time for all 4 of us, and what we really need is our tribe to show up and be there for us.

Let me start by saying, if you feel the need to “choose sides” and place blame – don’t. Our hearts are breaking right now, and we don’t need any added drama.

The reality is that we are two adults that love each other, but at this point in this life – the healthiest thing is to be apart. And it fucking sucks. Being an adult sucks. Being a parent in this spot – impossible.

Twelve year old boys have a hard time with all things emotional anyways. Now we have to explain to them that we are at this point, and we love each other and we both love them unconditionally (and super stress that this decision is NOT THEIR FAULT, at all…not even a smidge) – but, surprise – we are blowing up your lives. Seeing my boys cry, hardest thing EVER.

Friends & fam… this is one of the most important things to get out of this. Jerritt has been there for these kids since they were 5. I NEED my tribe to help with these boys. Their lives are better with him in it, his life is better with the boys. We are going to go through this awkward stage while we untangle our lives – but I fully support, and encourage their relationship. Perhaps they will grow even closer without all the other stress of our lives together. So, friends – don’t make it weird when he shows up for them at games or school things. We are family and we focus on what matters.

Our moody twelve year olds need some extra love and support. They need a little extra understanding. They need solid people around them that they can count on.

For me – I need a drink. I’m kidding (sort of). I need hugs. I need to be able to let my grief breathe. I need a plan to move forward. Don’t ask how I am doing – unless you are ready for some tears. Don’t expect me to share gory details of how we got to this point – except I can tell you about the things I own in this…. But please don’t let me wallow in this alone. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of being the one who keeps going. I will be okay eventually. I just need some extra support right now. So please, reach out – I am not good at asking for help – but I am doing it now.

I just want to be brave enough to really love my body, embrace my weirdness, tell energy vampires to fuck off, face my demons, try new things, listen to my intuition, speak my truth, and be the wild woman I was born to be.”

Brooke Hampton (fb/barefoot five)

We don’t know what the long term future holds for us. No one does. No one cheated, no one lied. Neither one of us is to blame. Both of us need to take some time to work on our own issues and support the kids – and we will see. Maybe we find the best versions of our selves and it leads us back to each other – maybe we just end up thankful for the time we had. Our hearts are broken right now, and we are asking for your love and understanding.

One last note….be prepared, because I will be using you all for my free group therapy as I sort through my issues…. Writing makes me feel better, so thank you for reading.

One final thought for anyone who decides to use this crappy situation to perpetuate hate…

Seriously – please… only looking for love and support right now. No drama.

#AdultingSucks #BrokenHeartedMomma #JustKeepSwimming #FrickAndFrack #CrazyAsAMother #ExhaustedAndTrying #StandByMyTribe #NoDramaMommaLlama

Tis the Giving Season….

I missed it. Giving Tuesday. The opportunity to reach out and ask those looking to donate to support something that is near and dear to me. Yep, I am a day late – but I am not going to let that stop me. I’m still going to ask, and hopefully some of you are still feeling generous this holiday season.

I am sure that if we are close friends, you know all about my latest venture. I am trying to make the dreams of some amazing baseball kids come true. Now, they aren’t particularly endearing at this age – so sharing a ton of photos of them probably won’t persuade you (I mean – we are talking about a group of 12-ish year olds….we think they are cute, even when they are smelly – but pre-teens are not for the weak hearted #InsertEyeRollHere). But, they are all very, truly passionate about baseball.

Cooperstown Dreams Park annually hosts an invitation only tournament. We are fortunate enough to live in a town where the opportunity is grandfathered to team after team – year after year. We are lucky, Hollister has a long standing history of passionate athletes….

Cooperstown is the town where baseball began. The kids not only get to play in some high-caliber games against teams from all over – they leave with a sense of pride, dignity & accomplishment. Each player and coach will be immortalized by being inducted into the prestigious American Youth Baseball Hall of Fame (and they get a ring!). It is a culturally rich experience for the players, and for the families. Not every kid will have a shot at the big leagues, but we have the opportunity to give them a little taste of greatness. And you have the chance to support their big league dreams right now!

Now, I am not doing this JUST because I like to support our youth. I have a player on this team. And in order for me to raise money for HIS dreams to happen – I am coordinating an effort to raise money for the entire team. It isn’t cheap – the cost of the tournament alone is steep. But we are also asking families to travel to NY for a week. That is a big deal, and makes something like this unreachable for many. I want this dream available for any player (of age) that wants it. I want to go with a team of passionate players & coaches that will show up and give it their all. I don’t want money to be the thing that holds anyone back.

Let me stop for a minute to tell you about these kids & coaches…. For the most part, they have been playing together since they were old enough. Through little league, various travel ball teams, All Star teams – you name it. The amount of passion that this team has is inspiring. The kids eat, sleep and breathe baseball – if they get together for any reason, there is a sure bet that they will find something and some way to play a form of baseball. And well, the coaches are top notch. They have helped the kids grow in so many ways, and where we come from – baseball = family.

Think back to when you were 12 years old. What would it have meant to you if someone supported and encouraged your dreams? How would that have changed your life?

Please reach out to me if you are willing and able to make a donation and support this opportunity. Any donation gets us closer to our goals.

Here is the sweet part of this deal. We are raising money under our non-profit travel ball team – even though we are competing as a different team (made up of players from our normal team and many others). We are a registered non-profit, which means that any donation made by you or your business is 100% tax deductible. If you need another write off for the year, we sure would appreciate the support!

Hope your holidays are filled with everything you wish for. Thank you for your consideration and support – it means the world to us.

#CooperstownDreams2020 #AllIWantForChristmas #BigLeagueDreams #BaseballFamily #GivingSeason #HelloTaxDeduction #SupportYouthSports