If y’all have known me for while, you know that when I need to vent… I tend to write it out. It soothes my soul to put down in words all the things that are swirling in my mind – and it usually helps me figure some shit out.
So once again, I ask you to buckle up and brace yourselves for the latest shitshow we call my life. Clark & I are no longer together.
Now, I am not going to get into details… because I am trying my best to be a better person. It isn’t always the easy route, but we are going to try and stay in this lane.
Those who are mutual friends to Clark & I, already know this – but some of you just know me. If you know me, you know that I don’t make rash decisions. I am not in the habit of blowing up lives for the sake of causing destruction & hurt. My nature is to take care of people, and I often do so at the cost of my own happiness.
Yes… not too long ago – I felt happy. Ridiculously happy, because that is what I wanted, that’s what I showed the world. I wanted fun. I wanted carefree. I wanted forever. I wanted someone to be my person. Looking back, I was projecting these qualities in a relationship that was actually lacking what I truly needed to fuel my soul. I lost myself (again).
Some things happened, that broke my trust (it might not be what you think it is, please don’t make assumptions…. it is what it is). I tried to hold it together. I tried to reason with myself that it can be okay – but without trust, there isn’t much to hold onto. As I was struggling, trying to sort out what needed to be done…. I realized that I was not who I wanted to be anymore. I realized that I shouldn’t have to try and hold things together. I don’t want to be with someone that I cannot trust. I didn’t like who I was becoming. The good parts were good… but my gut was telling me that I needed to end it.
It isn’t easy untangling lives after 3 years. It has been a little messy. I have been angry (which is definitely not my go-to emotion). I am thankful for the friends and family who have offered kind words, shoulders to cry on, drinks, meals, laughs… and for knowing the kind of support I have needed. I’m not through it yet – but hoping I can take a deep breath and start resetting soon.
So, here I am. 45. Still figuring shit out….. I still want to be ridiculously happy. But that happiness is something I need to bring to the table, and not expect to be brought to me. I need to find the things and people who add to my joy.
I need to work to have healthy relationships. I need someone willing to give as much in a relationship, as I always find myself putting in. I have always taken on the role of caregiver… I always want to be helpful, and make life as easy as possible for the people in my life. I don’t always know how to ask for help. I don’t like to rock the boat, so I end up being exhausted & frustrated. A comment will be made about me being moody – and I try to put on a happy face and make it all better.
A friend of mine brought up a term the other day (in talking about themselves), that I looked up and recognized these tendencies immediately in myself…. codependency.
Maybe someday, I will find the right chaser to my shot of whiskey…. Someone that wants me, rather than needs me. I don’t want to hold all the weight of keeping a happy household… I want someone to go on adventures with. I want someone to be silly with. I want someone who ignites a fire in me that isn’t easy to tame. I want to be swept off my feet every once in a while. I want to be the reason someone smiles. Who knows… it can happen! But I need to get right with myself too, if I really want to be happy.
Right now, my focus is my kids. I love those guys sooooo much, and I honestly only have a couple years left where I know they will live under my roof! I plan to soak up all the time I can with them! So I will be going to all the sports, all the band performances, hosting their friends at our house as often as possible. I am not sure they will like how often I am available to give them attention – but they will have to get used to it. I am going to make sure that I am instilling in them what a healthy relationship might look like.
I need to spend more time with my friends too… y’all are good people!
It’s going to be okay. We are all going to survive this, and come out as better people. Life is too short to be unhappy, right?!?