Maybe It’s Me

If y’all have known me for while, you know that when I need to vent… I tend to write it out. It soothes my soul to put down in words all the things that are swirling in my mind – and it usually helps me figure some shit out.

So once again, I ask you to buckle up and brace yourselves for the latest shitshow we call my life. Clark & I are no longer together.

Now, I am not going to get into details… because I am trying my best to be a better person. It isn’t always the easy route, but we are going to try and stay in this lane.

Those who are mutual friends to Clark & I, already know this – but some of you just know me. If you know me, you know that I don’t make rash decisions. I am not in the habit of blowing up lives for the sake of causing destruction & hurt. My nature is to take care of people, and I often do so at the cost of my own happiness.

Yes… not too long ago – I felt happy. Ridiculously happy, because that is what I wanted, that’s what I showed the world. I wanted fun. I wanted carefree. I wanted forever. I wanted someone to be my person. Looking back, I was projecting these qualities in a relationship that was actually lacking what I truly needed to fuel my soul. I lost myself (again).

Some things happened, that broke my trust (it might not be what you think it is, please don’t make assumptions…. it is what it is). I tried to hold it together. I tried to reason with myself that it can be okay – but without trust, there isn’t much to hold onto. As I was struggling, trying to sort out what needed to be done…. I realized that I was not who I wanted to be anymore. I realized that I shouldn’t have to try and hold things together. I don’t want to be with someone that I cannot trust. I didn’t like who I was becoming. The good parts were good… but my gut was telling me that I needed to end it.

It isn’t easy untangling lives after 3 years. It has been a little messy. I have been angry (which is definitely not my go-to emotion). I am thankful for the friends and family who have offered kind words, shoulders to cry on, drinks, meals, laughs… and for knowing the kind of support I have needed. I’m not through it yet – but hoping I can take a deep breath and start resetting soon.

So, here I am. 45. Still figuring shit out….. I still want to be ridiculously happy. But that happiness is something I need to bring to the table, and not expect to be brought to me. I need to find the things and people who add to my joy.

I need to work to have healthy relationships. I need someone willing to give as much in a relationship, as I always find myself putting in. I have always taken on the role of caregiver… I always want to be helpful, and make life as easy as possible for the people in my life. I don’t always know how to ask for help. I don’t like to rock the boat, so I end up being exhausted & frustrated. A comment will be made about me being moody – and I try to put on a happy face and make it all better.

A friend of mine brought up a term the other day (in talking about themselves), that I looked up and recognized these tendencies immediately in myself…. codependency.

Maybe someday, I will find the right chaser to my shot of whiskey…. Someone that wants me, rather than needs me. I don’t want to hold all the weight of keeping a happy household… I want someone to go on adventures with. I want someone to be silly with. I want someone who ignites a fire in me that isn’t easy to tame. I want to be swept off my feet every once in a while. I want to be the reason someone smiles. Who knows… it can happen! But I need to get right with myself too, if I really want to be happy.

Right now, my focus is my kids. I love those guys sooooo much, and I honestly only have a couple years left where I know they will live under my roof! I plan to soak up all the time I can with them! So I will be going to all the sports, all the band performances, hosting their friends at our house as often as possible. I am not sure they will like how often I am available to give them attention – but they will have to get used to it. I am going to make sure that I am instilling in them what a healthy relationship might look like.